Pathetic Private
by PPP SSC
Summary: Strong Sad gets drafted in the war wouldn'ta been my first choice! Rated K for halfcensored cuss words and mild blasphemy.
1. Dortugal's Invasion

Pathetic Private

Disclaimer: This is a fan fiction, yo! I am by no means Mike or Matt or even Craig or Missy. Also, I have nothing against Portugal and am not trying to parody a real war.

Chapter I: Dortugal's Invasion

Troops appeared over the horizon. "YOU ALL SUCK!" shrieked the enemy leader. Somebody with headphones said an annoying rhyme. A guy with five o' clock shadow and a Cockney accent punched him.

The leader, wearing a stylish jacket and sunglasses scolded him, "We're supposed to be fighting the enemy, not each other!"

Homestar was watching Cheat Commandos, in all its badly animated glory.

Then troops REALLY appeared over the horizon. One of the men in the troops shouted in Dortuguese, "We're here to invade Free Country U.S.A."

The King of Town was too busy eating a million pudding cups to notice they were being invaded. The Poopsmith noticed, but promised himself he'd never speak. The Announcer also noticed. He decided that he was going to get an army rolling. About 100 miscellaneous characters who have never showed up on screen were going into the army.

"Okay, we still need one more army man, but we can only have so many random characters. We must draft one of the eleven main males to go into war" said the Announcer.

Marzipan would've protested but she thought it silly to protest to get into something she protested against.

The Announcer drew a card out of the box. It was very legible but made more illegible with a streak of red that was used as symbolism to indicate, "I'm going to be drafted, and then killed."

The Announcer was very miserable that he had to send the guy who created this beautiful card into the army where he'd probably be killed.

The Announcer glumly said, "And the soldier is the third Brother Strong, Strong Sad." With that Strong Sad burst into tears for fears (no not the band) and embraced Marzipan.

"Oh, whatever shall I do?" he asked still crying. "I'm frightened of war!"

"Oh, you poor little thing," Marzipan said. "I can't stand war, and you're the last person I want fighting in it." She gave him a little peck on the cheek. Strong Sad turned very red. He turned redder when Homestar tried to rip out his vital organs.

"Homestar," Strong Bad said, "You're definitely on the 'cool' list now!"

Strong Sad, who had managed to escape from Homestar with maximal help from Marzipan, said weakly, "Do you have to put everyone who injures me on the 'cool' list?"

Strong Bad answered, "Totally! But look man, if in some twist of fate you come out of the war alive, I will stop being so sadistic about you."

Strong Sad rolled his eyes. Strong Bad totally couldn't do that! Strong Bad saw Strong Sad rolling his eyes and threw a rock at his head. "You think I can't be civil huh? Of course I can; I just don't want to!"

Marzipan glared at Strong Bad. "You know what, Strong Bad? This poor innocent soul has to go into the war, and it will probably kill him because of you! And you continue to be extremely mean and incredibly violent towards him while trying to convince him you can be civil! You always call him worthless, but you're way more worthless than he is!" she scolded.

Strong Sad had been knocked unconscious by the rock concussion, and he woke up to see that Marzipan was yelling at Strong Bad. "Marzipan, let me tell you something about my brother," Strong Sad explained, "The more you scold him, the more you encourage him. If you want him to stop, tell him what he's doing is…" Then he noticed Strong Bad was watching him.

Strong Bad moved and said, "Eww… my brother is terrible at flirting."

Strong Sad continued, "What I'm saying is, tell him what he's doing is _good_ or _well-behaved_ and he'll stop."

Marzipan asked, "Isn't that kind of like, lying?"

Strong Sad sighed, not knowing how to answer this. "It's called reverse psychology. It doesn't work too well on intellectuals like me, but it works on people of lesser intelligence—did I just call Strong Bad a moron?"

Marzipan nodded. "Oh great," Strong Sad sighed, "If the war doesn't kill me, Strong Bad will! I know what he said but… Strong Bad has never kept a promise to me before. Why should he start now?"

Strong Sad had to leave early that day. He packed up some things and rode to the training camp. He had never had boot camp before so he was just a trainee.

"Nice knowin' you," Strong Bad said.

"Really?" asked Strong Sad.

"No! Don't wait up dying 'cause I ain't comin' to your funeral!" his brother shouted.

Strong Sad sighed and boarded the bus. There were some other people on the bus who looked at him. There was one guy who said, "Hey, there's an elephant on the bus!"

Some other guy said, "Eww… gross… what awful colors! I'm not trying to be racist but…"

A third guy announced, "Dude! Put some clothes on!"

Strong Sad tried to ignore them. He was used to verbal abuse, along with physical abuse, psychological abuse, and any other kind of abuse out there. It existed; his brothers did it to him. Despite being used to all this abuse, it still hurt him quite a bit.

A fourth guy came up and said, "Don't listen to them. They're a bunch of . (If it's in Webdings it's a cuss word so don't undo it) I think you're a great person. Even though I don't know you. I'm Solio."

Strong Sad shyly introduced himself. "Hey guys, I'm Strong Sad… I live in that house" he said pointing to his house which was now barely visible, "With my horrid brothers."

The third guy asked, "Did they steal your clothes?"

"MOE!" shouted Solio and three other guys.

"What? He IS naked!" Moe said.

The first guy said, "But he's an elephant."

The second guy retorted, "How can he be an elephant? He doesn't even have a nose!"

The fifth guy said, "Sheebop, Beebop, keep quiet! He's NOT an elephant, but he sort of, is."

Solio said, "That made no sense, Robin."

Robin said, "You guys look. He's only an elephant from the waist down."

Strong Sad blushed, ashamedly. Solio said, "Don't feel bad. They all suck anyway."

Strong Sad was a little concerned about the way Solio was verbally treating Sheebop, Beebop, Moe, and Robin. However, he was content in knowing that Solio cared for HIS feelings.

They made it to the training camp. The drill sergeant came out in front of their line. He marched along and said, "Are you guys going to become men?"

The line chorused "Sir, yes, sir!"

However there was one feeble voice that said, "No, sir."

"Who said that?" the drill sergeant stormed.

Strong Sad sunk his head in shame. "I did sir." he said sadly, comparatively.

"Oh, I know you! You have a 'blog don't you?" the drill sergeant asked.

"Yes I do sir." Strong Sad answered obediently.

The drill sergeant said, "Three jumping jacks! Now!"

Solio complained, "Hey, he's getting off easy!"

Strong Sad counted as he panted, "One… two… three…I really feel like I'm going to faint now." So he did.

The drill sergeant said, "Ayayay. How did he get into the war anyway?"


	2. Anxieties at Home and the Military

A/N: You know, I probably wouldn't have updated so soon but my first review on this story was so positive I'm pretty sure I should continue.

Chapter 2

Anxieties at Home and the Military

Strong Bad and Mad were sleeping and then they figured it was time to get up. Strong Bad noticed the clock said one p.m. "What the crap?" Strong Bad asked. "Oh yeah, I forgot Strong Sad went into the war," he said almost glumly.

Strong Mad said "I'M SORRY!" thinking SOMETHING was his fault.

Strong Bad comforted his brother and said, "It's okay. It's just that I miss Strong Sad a little."

Strong Mad raised his eyebrow as far as it could go without flying away. He was as confused as heck and who could blame him? He eventually ran away yelling into his room.

The Cheat came over to Strong Bad and asked in The Cheat speak why he looked so sad. Strong Bad knew what affects the truth had on Strong Mad so decided not to tell The Cheat. Instead he simply said, "I'm not sad."

Meanwhile, at Marzipan's house, Coach Z wanted to watch MASH reruns for fifty-four hours. Bubs wanted to watch Mulan four hundred times in a row.

Marzipan said, "No! We won't! Let's watch Teletubbies instead."

Coach Z said, "That's for Barbie's."

Marzipan thought of an idea, "Let's watch Barbie's The Princess and the Pauper!"

Coach Z and Bubs shouted "No!" After all, boys have never wanted anything to do with Barbie.

Marzipan wanted to keep her mind off of the war. That's why she didn't want to watch those things, even Mulan, which she normally loved because of the heroine's bravery. She suggested, "How about 'Crocodile Hunter'"?

"What's that?" asked Bubs. Marzipan rolled her eyes. She thought that nobody besides her watched Animal Planet enough.

"Let's watch Emeril!" shouted Coach Z!

"Okay," said Marzipan, "But if any meat is used I'm changing the channel to Teletubbies."

With that, Bubs and Coach Z left Marzipan's house to watch Emeril at Bubs' concession stand because there was a TV that was in mint condition; NOT for sale.

At the army camp, Solio was still getting ticked off about the fact that Strong Sad only had to do three… lousy… jumping… jacks.

"Look man," Solio said, "The real war is much rougher than that!"

Sheebop and Beebop said, "Strong Sad, you know we love you."

Solio said to them, "Shut up!"

Sheebop said "Sorry."

Robin was fighting with Moe about whether or not to try to sneak out of camp with a salad spoon.

"Moe, you idiot," Robin said, "There's no such thing as a 'salad spoon!'"

"Well at least I don't have a girl's name."

"Robin is a gender neutral name! And it was a boy's name first!"

The drill sergeant shouted, "Order! Stand at attention."

All the army men lined up except for some random guy that isn't a main character who was eating his shoe.

Robin said, "Duh… dude… get in line."

The guy said, "Sorry," and got in line.

"Drop and give me twenty!" yelled the drill sergeant. He poked Strong Sad's girth with his riding crop, which caused him to jerk. "Except you. Drop and give me two."

"Why the f- is he being so nice to you, Strong?" Solio asked rather rudely.

"I don't know" Strong Sad answered, "And watch your tongue. People can get offended by that kind of language."

Solio didn't use cuss words lightly. In fact, he swore so much his family made him move out (when he was twenty three; don't worry).

Strong Sad did two push ups. "I did it!" he yelled proudly. "I did… oh, ow, my aching vertebrae."

Sheebop said, "What a freakin' nerd!"

Beebop added, "What a freakin' fat nerd!"

Moe then added, "What a freakin' fat naked nerd!"

Sheebop, Beebop, Solio, and Robin all said, "Moe! Forget the nakedness!"

Solio remarked, "And we're all born naked anyway."

Strong Sad was put with the medic. The drill sergeant came back.

Solio asked, "Sir, why are you being so easy on Strong Sad?"

The drill sergeant looked at him and said, "Because I freakin' don't want him to friggin' die before we get to the frickin' battlefield! Is that f-in' clear?"

Solio said, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't know!"

The drill sergeant said, "It should have been a draft for PHYSICALLY ABLE males."

Strong Sad was healed and as he came out he said, "When do we get to fight?"

Solio was in shock. Strong Sad hadn't been eager before.

"C'mon you guys! I'm not fighting for fun. I'm fighting for honor and respect." Strong Sad said impatiently.

"Well, what do you think?" asked Robin.

The drill sergeant answered, "I think Dortugal's waiting for us."

Solio said, "Let's go and knock the s- out of them! We're kicking their as! Now!"

Strong Sad said, "Solio, could you please stop swearing? It's rude, offensive, vulgar, profane, and obscene."

Solio said, "No s-head. It's fine."

Strong Sad whined, "Solio, why did you call me that? Take that back. I thought you cared about me."

Solio said, "Whoopsies! Sorry. I shouldn't have called YOU a s-head.

Strong Sad said sagely, "That's why you should never swear, because you don't know what could happen."

The drill sergeant shouted, "Men! Are we in the army or school?"

Then the boys followed except for a different random guy who was ALSO eating his shoe.

Robin said, "Cuh… come on!"

Marzipan just stood at the window all day long. That made Homestar worry. "Marzipan?" he asked, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine but I don't know if Strong Sad is."

"Marzipan?" asked Homestar.

"Yes?"

"Are you my girlfriend still?"

"Of course" Marzipan answered, falsely. She didn't really like Homestar very much anymore.

"Yay!" shouted Homestar.

I hope you like this chapter. I wrote it in way less time than my first chapter so I don't know if you'll like it as much, but please review still.


	3. The Really Short Fighting Chapter

Chapter 3

The Really Short Fighting Chapter

The Dortuguese army was a formidable foe.

Solio grabbed the leader and said "Surrender you as—o-e from hell!"

"My god, where did you get that mouth?" he asked.

Robin started shooting like crazy and accidentally shot off some person's pants.

Moe saw this and said, "You are naked."

Robin and Solio and the twins said angrily "MOE!"

"What?" he asked.

Strong Sad was captured by one of the Dortuguese people. "Let go of me!" he complained.

"Good idea," the soldier said, wiping sweat off his face. "Boys, grab him!"

One soldier held Strong Sad's legs, one his abdomen, one his left arm, one his right arm, and one held his mouth shut. He tried so very hard to scream. Luckily, Solio saw him. He tried to go after him but was pinned down by a brutal front liner from Dortugul.

The soldiers put Strong Sad in a cell. "You are now officially a prisoner of war." one said.

"Let me out! Please! I didn't even want to fight! I'm a Quaker, actually." Strong Sad said, half-truthfully.

"That's just too damn bad!" yelled another, as he gave Strong Sad a kick in the face that left him comatose.

"Aww… go easy on the poor little guy." said one compassionate soldier.

"You trying to betray us?" one person asked.

"No, it's just he's so pathetic."

"Don't make me laugh. He's only 'pathetic' when it comes to fighting back."

"You have no idea! Have you ever read his blog?"

"You read blogs?" the responding person asked, "How dense are you?"

"I'm not dense!"

"Says you!"

The new person left.

The compassionate one unlocked and opened the cell. He shook Strong Sad awake. When Strong Sad awakened, he screamed his lungs out and yelled, "I don't want you to torture me!"

The soldier covered up Strong Sad's mouth and said, "Shh. I'm gonna get you out of here, but you have to stay quiet."

"I don't trust you…" Strong Sad was skeptical.

"It's okay. Just don't make any noise. I couldn't bear to see what that mean ol' Poanja did to you. Is your delicate brain alright?" he was concerned.

"Not really… but it's not much of a change, so I guess it's alright in a relative sense," Strong Sad half-joked.

"I'm Klaopiki, and I don't want to betray the army, but I know those stupid Free Country people took a stupid draft, and stupidly, you got put in the army." Klaopiki said very angrily. He held Strong Sad's hand and led him out of the prison.

"Wait," Strong Sad asked, "What if Poanja and the others find out I escaped?"

"They'll probably search for you. If you see one coming; play dead," Klaopiki advised.

"But why?" asked a clueless Strong Sad.

"They won't capture you or kill you that way; people are like predators, except they won't eat you of course, because that's disgusting." Klaopiki said.

Strong Sad laughed a cautious laugh. He gave Klaopiki a hug and cried.

"Oh, you poor thing. Nobody ever taught you how to be strong, did they?" Klaopiki sympathized.

Strong Sad miserably shook his head and replied, "My family only taught me how to be submissive and feeble. If I wanted to be strong, which I do, I'd need someone else to teach me. Unfortunately, as is often the case for me, when I asked them to, they said, 'Get your parent or brother to teach you how', and when I replied, 'I haven't seen one parent since the divorce, and the other one, as well as both my brothers, is malicious.'

"Then they'd shake it off like nothing serious until I showed them my wretched eyes, when at last they'd believe me. But then, instead of teaching me how to be strong, they tried to kidnap me, or sometimes if they were old, they'd try to pinch me to death.

"It was not a life to envy." Strong Sad completed his monologue.

Klaopiki whispered frantically, "They're coming after you. Play dead."

"Okay" Strong Sad replied, as he laid himself on the ground and smiled faintly. Strong Sad's captors came closer and closer. Klaopiki ran as far as his legs could carry him.

Klaopiki insisted that Strong Sad should stop smiling. Strong Sad assured him that the smile helped make it realistic: as in life is bad, death is good.

As the captors of Strong Sad found him, looking dead as a doornail, they forgot him and went on to their next captive.

Klaopiki told Strong Sad that he was safe.

Sorry the update took so very long.


End file.
